Thanks so much for coming out. I m drunk, here we go! Thus begins your magical date with the enchanting, beguiling, and utterly demented Patton Oswalt. Stand Up! Records is pleased as punch to bring you Werewolves and Lollipops, now out on a limited-edition of five hundred vinyl LPs, each shining jewel of comedic genius all polished up for your pure listening enjoyment.

Look, you already know that Patton Oswalt s awesome. His resume s amazingly impressive, boasting hundreds of stand up performances, a couple dozen movies (hell, he voiced the lead in a damn Oscar winner!), and television glory. He has literally tens of fans. We don t need to sell you on Patton. So, instead, we re going to whet your appetite with some choice phrases, fresh from the elfin filth-monger s very lips!

Brian Dennehy comes up behind me like an Archangel and says, Character actors! Who gives a f*ck if we re fat!

Wait for the wintery freshness of mace, cause it s coming.

I d like a failure pile in a sadness bowl!

Science! We re all about coulda, not shoulda.

Give your mom a fish, and let s go to the White House.

If Paris Hilton could get cancer of the AIDS of the leukemia, that d be awesome.

My geekiness is starting to get in the way of my nerdiness.

For 3 years, all I knew was Chewbacca was real and black people don t kill you for your cell phones.

I still miss the dating scene, because it s a fun nightmare. It s a nightmare with boners in it.